Brian Kondrach

funny. guy.

Find out everything you need to know about Brian Kondrach. Whether it's improv performances, stand-up sets, or just the simple musings of a man going mad, find it here. 

Well!? Get Used to THIS!!

 From L to R: Brad's beer, Jason, Me, James, Breckenridge Brewery rep, Unknown weirdo.

From L to R: Brad's beer, Jason, Me, James, Breckenridge Brewery rep, Unknown weirdo.

So, I was thinking about my bachelor party the other day because it still blows my mind. We were in Breckenridge with my brother, Brad, and my 3 best friends, Jason, James, and Casey. Before we went to the mountains, Jason took us all shopping to find the best, worst, sports coats we could find at the thrift store. His plan was to have us wear them over our winter gear so we would look like dapper gentlemen as we hit the slopes during the day and if we needed one when we hit the town at night. His plan was very effective. We looked great as we made our way up and down the mountain, James and I on our snowboards, Jason skiing, and Casey falling constantly as he learned how to snowboard. People would compliment us as we whizzed past them down the hill or waited in line to get on the lifts. We were the kings of the hill. 

 The Storefront

The Storefront

After spending the day on the slopes, it was time for us to head in for a quick shower beer and then make our way into town. The plan was to grab dinner and some drinks, hit up Downstairs at Erics for some skeeball, and then head over to Motherloaded Tavern for some music.. Even though the town was pretty busy, we got a table at dinner almost immediately. Then, over at Eric's the guys got $20 worth of quarters to play games, and after learning just how competitive my brother is at skeeball, we decided that we needed to move on. As we were making our way through town, we came upon a guy offering free beer and cake, and who doesn't like that?! So with very little hesitation, we all walked in. Things were off the chain. Apparently, it was the 5th anniversary of Craniologie, a great shop that sells headgear and electronics for the mountain, and they wanted to get people in the store to party. There was a live DJ, they were raffling off merch, there was a snack table, free beer, and a BIG ASS cake right in the middle of the store! We all grabbed some drinks and then my brother had the great idea to use broccoli and cauliflower as boutonnieres to add some pizzazz to our jackets. So, we've got drinks in our hands, we're looking fresh, and we're mingling with the locals and every time we met someone new, it was the classic "Hey! Where you from?! Yeah! What brings you to Breck!? Oh! IT'S HIS BACHELOR PARTY!!!! WOOO!!!!" Then I would be handed another drink and we would continue! It was a freaking blast. Then we met Shauna.

 Happy Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday!!!

Shauna was a local. She grew up in Breckenridge. She knew a lot of people in the town and apparently had built up some sort of reputation. This was not information we found out directly from her but through word of mouth. We didn't have much time to speak with Shauna because she had other plans. When we first met her, we all thought the same thing. "DAMN! This girl is hot! She looks like she loves to party!" Due to the fact that it was "my night", I was the one designated to make first contact with Shauna. So, I walked over and said something silly, as I'm one to do, and we started talking. One of the first things she asked me was if I wanted to start a cake fight. I, of course said no, for it was not my cake to start throwing around. I didn't think much of it and the conversation moved on. After a few minutes, the guys came over and I introduced them. Then, Jason let it slip to Shauna that it was my bachelor party. Now, I don't know what the hell happened to Shauna in her life, but apparently, she is not a fan of marriage or maybe it was just my face, but as soon as she heard that, something flipped. She looked at me with the devil in her eyes and exclaimed,

"You're getting MARRIED!? WELL... GET USED TO THIS!!!!" 

 The Aftermath. It doesn't seem like much but it travels fast.

The Aftermath. It doesn't seem like much but it travels fast.

At which time, she grabbed a fistfull of cake, and promptly slammed it into my face. She then started to berate me for being unable to satisfy her in bed, yelled that I was a terrible husband, and that I would never live up to my father, all the while slapping me and trying to smash more cake in my face. But that's not all. After this, she tried to start her cake fight with the entire store. She was flinging cake like a monkey flinging poo. It went EVERYWHERE. There was cake stuck to the merchandise, splattered on the DJ, smeared on the bartenders and everything in between. We were all taken completely by surprise. I didn't know what to do. I was surrounded by brand new beanies and helmets, a beer table, and more cake than I thought possible. At some point, the bouncer made his way in and grabbed Shauna. He dragged her away from the cake and we all had a moment to catch our collective breath. Finally, after spending, way too long in the bathroom trying to clean cake off my face, I made it to the bar to get a new beer. After all, mine had been ripped from my hands by a five-foot-something full of crazy, and as the bartender hands me a one, he casually remarks, 

"Oh, you've met Shauna."

To which I replied,  "What!? You know her? What the hell is her problem?!"

And the bartender said, "Nothing. That's just what she does."

Flabbergasted, I asked, "That's just what she does?! This wasn't the first time something like this has happened?"

"Oh no!" said the bartender, "This was tame. This must be the start of her night. I've seen her much worse."

"Holy shit...."

 Jason, post cake fight. He got off easy.

Jason, post cake fight. He got off easy.

We all looked at each other and realized that we had just been a part of something that only happens on TV or in the movies. We were a part of a story so crazy that we could barely believe it. To this day, whenever there is cake at a party, Jason asks me if I want a handful...and I shudder.

http://breckenridge.shoplightspeed.com/    https://www.facebook.com/craniologiebreckenridge/